In 2014, I decided I wanted to create my own lingerie company. I was tired of shopping at stores and sites that didn’t align with my personal values of body positivity and inclusion. I was irritated every time I opened a marketing email from a lingerie mega store and it would directly tell me “sexy is....(fill in the blank).” My inner rebel would tense up and think, “screw you, don’t tell me what to feel.” I have a touch of anarchy in my blood. So I launched my own company. With a little bit of plucky gumption and a whole lot of hard work and discipline, I successfully created Serpent Lane. I had always intended for Serpent Lane to be a brand that celebrated women and a feminine lifestyle. I had grand visions of writing editorial blogs and releasing empowering videos, but life sometimes has other plans for you. So now, a year after Serpent Lane’s launch, I’m releasing my first blog.
It’s now been one year since I’ve officially launched my business. In that same year, I moved into my first home and navigated the payment of a mortgage, I found and rescued a two week old kitten nestled in the ficus plants of said new home, became an obsessive gardener and planted 8 tomato plants (that’s too many if you’re wondering), filmed a guest spot on the TV show Castle, singlehandedly planned my own backyard wedding, honeymooned in Bali, became pregnant with my first child, and oh yeah….got side swiped by life when my father suffered a massive stroke just before my nuptials. So yeah, 2016 was a pretty big year.
You can’t really plan life. I didn’t mean for it to be so crazy. It’s not like I said to myself, “2016 will be the year that I will do all major events.” Yet, all in all, I’d like to think I handled it with grace. When I think about my year, I don’t flash to a memory of my wedding. I flash to my father’s hospital room silently bawling my eyes out at 3am while listening to the symphony of medical devices at his bedside. When I think about 2016 I don’t think about my first sale or successful launch party, I think about unexpectedly bursting up out of bed at 7am and immediately looking at my phone to see the flurry of missed calls from my sister. When I think about my year, I don’t think about how my business unexpectedly got rocket-launched by a Buzzfeed video seen by 7 million people, I think about watching my husband tenderly cutting my father’s toe nails and deeply understanding the depths of my love for him. It's not that my business or my wedding weren’t important to me, it’s just funny how heartache can scream so much louder than the joys and victories we are blessed to feel.
Now, I’m 22 weeks pregnant and life is asking me to slow down after a high-speed chase kind of year. Sometimes, I’ll take an entire afternoon to do nothing but look at Pinterest boards. It felt weird at first. I’ve been primed and trained to believe that if you’re not accomplishing something at every moment of every day then you’re a failure. (Because, you know, creating another human inside of me isn’t enough). I should be reaching for my greatness AT ALL TIMES! It’s exhausting. And yet, I have found myself able to relish in this time. This time, where I have full permission to do nothing. I know that life is going to get real crazy after this little guy comes out…. so I’m fully and completely going to enjoy the calm before the storm.
For the first time in my life I am living a fully feminine lifestyle. That means I am allowing myself to slow down and let intuition and sensuality be my guide. It’s not an easy task in a culture that demands you accomplish, set goals and aim high. The truth is, I’m still emotionally and physically exhausted from last year. The truth is, my heart still bleeds for my entire family and what we have been through. I need this time. To generate my strength, to hibernate and go inwards before the demands of motherhood take all my attention elsewhere. It’s hard to trust that I’m making the right choice. The fear is that all my options will be gone when I’m ready to pick up and charge ahead again. The fear is that I have no time. Time is running away from me. I’m getting older! TIME is an evil bitch.
But that is all a lie.
When I slow down and get quiet enough, I know that’s just my good friend fear yelling for my attention. The truth is, when you’re living a feminine lifestyle, you allow yourself to trust the tides of your life. Last year it felt like the tide was only charging in, continually reaching further and further up shore creating my own inner tsunami. This year I can feel the tide receding and I honor it. I could fight it. I could come up with goals, actions, a step-by-step plan to achieve some kind of extraordinary life, but everything around me whispers to stop and breathe. To be gentle. To revel in ordinariness. Just the other day, I went to write down a Danielle LaPorte quote that says “less striving, more living.” Instead, I accidently wrote down “less striving, more listening.” The body knows.
I have to trust that the feminine, in her most basic nature is cyclical. So with the intuition of my body as my guide, I slow down and I trust that the tides will change, as they always do. I will once again-accomplish, set goals and aim high. But, for now, I am sitting back and letting my body do the “ordinary miracle” of making a human life.
Thank you readers. Thank you for an amazing first year of Serpent Lane. It was a wildly successful year and I couldn’t have done it without you. Here’s to another fabulous year of personal success for all of us. I'll be writing more features and continuing to grow Serpent Lane while also honoring the messages to slow down and enjoy the journey I am on. Perhaps you will too. Perhaps not. Perhaps this is your tsunami year. Wherever you are in your journey; I wish you love…